So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
