cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.