Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
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Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
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You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...