So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
