Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
