Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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