words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We need to get me chipped asap
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
