I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
