When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
