I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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