Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
