Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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