I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
