He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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