You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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