but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
