So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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