I showed him my bush... on skype.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
