I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
