You're completely useless in the revolution.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
