No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
