if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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