Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
