Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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