He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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