I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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