Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
