No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
