i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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