I'm sorry my penis didn't work
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
