I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
