im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
