there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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