Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
