its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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