No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
