Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
