do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
