it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
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i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
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I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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