I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
