Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
