Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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