i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
