The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
