Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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