Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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