forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
