90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
