I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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