You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
