wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
