I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
