Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
