Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
