i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
