he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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