my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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